"NEW YORK, NY - Mayor Mike Bloomberg has crowned himself Emperor of New York. The two term mayor has decided to sidestep legal term limits requiring him to step down next year by crowning himself sovereign ruler.
The official ceremony took place early Monday morning at Cipriani on 42nd street. Mayor Bloomberg anointed himself with vegetable oil, and lowered a maple wreath onto his head, declaring himself Emperor. Fifty virgins from the American Ballet Theater danced in celebration.
Emperor Bloomberg said “I am convinced this is what’s best for New York.” The city’s sovereign ruler will now be able to efficiently work around county regulations, zoning commissions, and upon death, he will be sanctified as a deity.
Insiders suggest he may already be planning an invasion to gain lands in nearby Nassau County. Emperor Bloomberg dismissed these claims, saying his first priority was the financial crisis, including transitioning to coins with his face on them.
For the time being, Emperor Bloomberg is busy renovating Governor’s Island into a neo-classical palace and deciding which month to rename after himself."
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